I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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