Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
