I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
