I think I died a long time ago.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
