That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
