why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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