he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
