when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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