I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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