You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
