On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
