your parents love me but you hate me
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
