3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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