You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize