i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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