mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
