I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
