Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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