Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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