you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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