Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
