To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
