DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
