you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
