11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
