i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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