Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
