I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
