I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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