I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
