my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
someone owes me an orgasm
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
