It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
