if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
