I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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