Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
