his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
