i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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