my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
