i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
