i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
