she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
