Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
