I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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