Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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