I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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