if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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