Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
