I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
