Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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