MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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