when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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