i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
