the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
