My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
