Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
