I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
